A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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