I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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