i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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