You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
