So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
