I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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