Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
and she was petting her beer can
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
