I accidentally burped into my bong.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize