Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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