Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
