why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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