I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
