I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
