Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
So. Much. Porn.
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