Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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