I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
