I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
