Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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