I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
