I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize