She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
