tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
