dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
