Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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