I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
