We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize