Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
