You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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