So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
