he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
