I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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