So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize