I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
