I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
