everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
