You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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