Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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