making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
