Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
