do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
