he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
