Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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