I'm jealous of your bromance
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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