My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you had me at cake vodka
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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