what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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