My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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