Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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