The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
