i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
