hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
