Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
