I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
