He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
