there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize