a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And then he peed in my hair
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