Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
