A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Plan B is the new Plan A
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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