we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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