I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
