i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
