Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
