I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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