got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
