Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
