Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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