..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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