I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
MIDGETS
????
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
