When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
