Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
